"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"- Abraham Lincoln
"Its better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."- Abraham Lincoln
"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless."- Sinclair Lewis
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for dinner and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator."- Bill Lawrence
"The modern pantheist not only sees the god in everything, he takes photographs of it."- D.H. Lawrence
"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured."- Konrad Adenauer
"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?"- Holbrook Jackson
"When women go wrong, men go right after them."- Mae West
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!" - Rodney Dangerfield
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." - Bob Hope
"If you can't convince them, confuse them." - Harry S. Truman
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep." - Woody Allen
"Historians are the deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them." - Leo Tolstoy
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" - James Thurber
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher." - Socrates
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson
"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." - Woody Allen
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! - Rodney Dangerfield
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." - Mel Brooks
"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them." - Joan Rivers
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back." - Henry Youngman
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield
"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen
"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done." - Fred Allen
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." - Woody Allen
"Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." - Franklin P. Jones
"The girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed." - Albert Einstein
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language." - Mark Twain
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" - George Carlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population." - David Letterman
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung" - Voltaire
"I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." - Jack Handey
"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label." - Mark Twain
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left." - Oscar Levant
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." - Groucho Marx
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." - Oliver Herford
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." - George Carlin
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" - James Thurber
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henry Youngman
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.'' - Joan Rivers
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." - Oscar Levant
"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong." - Oscar Wilde
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Globol
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" - Ben Jonson
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